Yeah, I know. I’ve been super M.I.A. lately. Most of it is attributed to searching for a job, and to be blunt a side effect of the depression I’m battling against.
I went off of my SSRI again. I can’t do it anymore.
When I went to my doctor to let her know how slowly I’ve been tapering off.. she made it seem like the depression that I have been going through is lifelong. This made me REALLY upset because I went on SSRIs in the first place due to 1. Seasonal Affective Disorder 2. General Anxiety Disorder and 3. Social Anxiety.
From there, it seems as though the diagnosis has magically changed to Depression being the first and foremost.
When I talked to her a couple weeks ago, she basically put it like this:
'Well, you want to go off of your SSRI because you don't want to taper off when pregnant or be on them forever. Depression is a lifelong disease. Every time you have a 'depressive episode' you are that much farther from your happiness 'baseline' and can never get back to that, ever. Also, when people like you become pregnant.. we need you happy for the first couple months. You need to be on game. You're a high risk for Post Partum Depression and won't bond with your baby.'
……………………………. When did I ever become high-risk? Seriously? Has anybody else had a doctor give a misleading diagnosis like this?
THAT made me more depressed than I was, if anything. I’ve had depressive episodes but they were from ME TAPERING OFF OF THE SSRIs and from SEASONAL AFFECTIVE Dx.
My medication isn’t covering me anymore. Took 60 XR Adderall & 10 IR a day. Took a test at my psychiatrist’s office and my ADHD symptoms are all intensely exacerbated to where they’re becoming even worse than before medication and true diagnosis.
Trying 15 IR t.i.d. (3x a day) and if it’s not changed within a month then trying new medications.
I hate pharmaceutical uncertainty and having huge school things riding on me at the same time.
I get frustrated when others think I’m shallow when I say ‘I’m ADHD’ since ‘everyone is diagnosed with it’ & ‘that’s just an excuse for being lazy’ or even ‘yeah, who else isn’t in college’.
Well, fuck you. First off, I waited until I was 18 for diagnosis. Mom didn’t take me to the doctor as a kid and said ‘oh just give her something to be quieter’. No - my quirks and talents were cultivated into something positive as a kid - without ADHD I’m not sure if I’d even be going into Physical Therapy, let alone being a brown belt in martial arts. SEVEN YEARS of work for that belt.
I underwent well over 10 hours of examinations and tests from psychologists using a variety of measures before a diagnosis was reached. Spread out over a 3 month span. I came to them because I realized that psychologically/neurologically something was in my way. I was everywhere and more without judgement or caution - and would pass out from exhaustion at a certain time every day. I could not sit still for more than 3 minutes. Driving was erratic and I realized I had something not ‘right’. I’ve always had the highest IQ, but I was failing out of Nursing.
After diagnosis and a combination of pharmaceutical and holistic means - I’m using my ADHD in a positive way. I have a leg up with my Physical Therapy career from it. ADHD is honestly such a great tool if you allow it to be.
But I do hate when people don’t understand that I’m auditory defensive - in some ways having to do with my ADHD, and in some ways just how my neurons communicate. I cannot concentrate on anything, no matter how hard I try, when something or someone is too loud and it’s unwarranted in the situation. Do not stand next to me when I’m on the computer doing work. You’re not in the library to squeal or be ridiculous. Because when I right hook your freaking pug face and you’re in pain, I really won’t give a fuck because I got shit to do. I’m on my grind, and getting a fucking degree. I’m not here to spread my herpes and listen to your yeast infected ass.
Lectures. Tapping. Fat assholes bouncing their legs SO MUCH I CAN FEEL IT UNDER MY SEAT. YOU IDIOT YOU ARE SO FAT YOU MOVE THE FLOOR FROM A PART OF YOUR FLUBBER. Why the fuck do you tap so much? Stop fidgeting you annoying twit. Ugh I’m about to snap on everyone’s ass. I get hood when I get pissed. Bitches better watch out.