M.I.A.

Yeah, I know. I’ve been super M.I.A. lately. Most of it is attributed to searching for a job, and to be blunt a side effect of the depression I’m battling against. 

I went off of my SSRI again. I can’t do it anymore.

When I went to my doctor to let her know how slowly I’ve been tapering off.. she made it seem like the depression that I have been going through is lifelong. This made me REALLY upset because I went on SSRIs in the first place due to 1. Seasonal Affective Disorder 2. General Anxiety Disorder and 3. Social Anxiety.

From there, it seems as though the diagnosis has magically changed to Depression being the first and foremost.

When I talked to her a couple weeks ago, she basically put it like this:

'Well, you want to go off of your SSRI because you don't want to taper off when pregnant or be on them forever. Depression is a lifelong disease. Every time you have a 'depressive episode' you are that much farther from your happiness 'baseline' and can never get back to that, ever. Also, when people like you become pregnant.. we need you happy for the first couple months. You need to be on game. You're a high risk for Post Partum Depression and won't bond with your baby.'

……………………………. When did I ever become high-risk? Seriously? Has anybody else had a doctor give a misleading diagnosis like this?

THAT made me more depressed than I was, if anything. I’ve had depressive episodes but they were from ME TAPERING OFF OF THE SSRIs and from SEASONAL AFFECTIVE Dx.

Shit.

Anyone else?

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My mother came back from vacation with a horribly painful and abnormal rash. She wore SPF 50 and SPF 100 during her Caribbean vacation. She gets these reactions with the sun sometimes and it hits her hard. She has also had swollen painful joints after vacation too.

Since I’ve been told by my doctor that there us a very high chance of me having Lupus, I reacted to her skin rash with that in mind.

She filled out a checklist for herself and the past 10 years of her unknown medical problems (tested with labs and everything - her reactions rarely made sense and were treated with steroids usually) are coming together.

I feel bad that I brought it up because it seems like a daunting possible diagnosis.. but she said that it was a very profound statement for her to hear.

Tomorrow she sees her General Practitioner. I feel guilty for delaying my own Lupus laboratory testing. I’ve been avoiding it.

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imperialbedrooms:

I was really rooting for lupus this time…
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