It bugs me when people abuse amphetamines

Especially for the side effects of hunger loss. You’re not in control, and the medication will lose that effect. Soon you’ll be the out of control person again, and you’ll self loathe even more because you failed.

Sure it helps you do this and that, but you know you’re taking advantage of them. And yet you still ignore that? That’s slightly pathetic.

I’m not being mean. I’m being honest. Ignoring my warnings is just an insult to your maturity.

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My goal is to get back to A cups by June. Back to my size 3 jeans. Size 1 dresses.

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Oh and taking password off my progress blog. It just makes me not update. And I need to try hard.

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Went to the doctors

and faced a scale for the first time since probably August……

Starting a separate private progress blog. I value too many of my followers to bombard them with ED happenings and this horrific sickness I hold. I’d appreciate any support for my journey down again. Message me for password and to follow.

The other news from the doctor:
Getting lab work done to test for…
Rheumatoid Arthritis
Pre diabetes
Other Autoimmune diseases.

Nerve wracking.

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I’m going to see my doctor tomorrow

for my yearly physical. I haven’t brought up the extent of my medical issues lately..

And to be honest I’m legitimately frightened. Last year we checked my thyroid and got bloodwork done. Since then my ‘coldness’ has revealed it’s true form: Reynaud’s. I figured it was secondary to my ED.

Since then, I have noticed wounds that have originated in the months of August that should have healed… have not. They turn BRIGHT ANGRY PINK (I believe but unsure) when my blood pressure bottoms out at the end of the day, usually in the bathroom when I flip my head over and hold it there for a bit while brushing or deep conditioning my hair.

Most nights my feet are completely numb. My core stays warm and will flush at times on my chest. My distal limbs will stay numb though, or an odd painful or bothersome nerve sensation. They’re either the color of a sheet of paper, grey zombie, blue, or bright pink. I dread the bright pink the most - that is when my blood rushes into the ischemic tissue. It’s the feeling that people describe when they’re trying to prevent frostbite from setting in. My high pain tolerance doesn’t matter. The skin sensation of the deoxygenated tissue flooding with blood is the worst feeling - and especially hard when you KNOW you need to bite through the pain because you can literally lose a limb otherwise.

I’m fucking scared, man.

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