Dad, if only you could see what you’ve done to me…
Oh dear, this feels all too familiar to me. I bet if I went back to my posts from late August to early September, I’d see where I began losing more & more control and less & less restrictions.
|In Her Music Box|
Long story short - this song holds the feelings of my childhood around my father. He’s a heroin addict. Love him, but he’s too sick to be a father. He tried hard though. I learned alot from him, good and bad.
We all hold our own poisons to get through the night.
Maybe we’ll cross paths again. Here’s to you, Papa.
Atmosphere - In her Music Box
You gave me what I waited 6 years for. Then left without telling me AGAIN to another state. You spent 1.5 hours with me. I have never felt this hurt, hands down. It’s because of you my siblings have no relationship with me. You’re a real piece of fucking work. I’m done wasting my time hoping for any connection with someone as hollow as you.
My father did it again. We had that one dinner; ignored my texts from there.
I found out today he left. My mother had to tell me by passing on information from my Memere (my great grandmother/father’s grandmother).
I didn’t think he’d do this again. Not after he left me wounded for 6 years.
I hate drugs. I hate feeling like I’m not worth saying goodbye to. Like I wasn’t pretty enough, healthy enough, witty enough..
I can’t stop replaying a statement he made over dinner.
" …Shaylin, you gotta eat more, honey…"
Fuck. And I don’t purge anymore. At least that was white rice. For the first time in a long ass time … fuck, I’m eating my emotions. Pizza.
Well Daddy, I’m eating more, you prick. Got what ya wanted, huh? But you always do; you’re too selfish for anything less.
I fear… now being FINALLY tapered off my antidepressants, drugs, and not having EDNOS rule my world.. that I’m going to relapse back into all of it.
Thanks Daddy. My fiance and I were talking after he met my dad with me the other day. About how we were glad to see dad now, because we can never be sure when he’ll OD, or have another seizure from drugs while driving a huge lumber truck and crash into a house again.
I just need help. Oh god, my heart..
1. now completely tapered off my SSRI (Celexa; mild antidepressant - mostly an antianxiety medication in low-dose for those who can’t stand feeling ‘drugged’… well, lmfao, legally?)
2. I have a feeling that Dad will not see me before he leaves. He hasn’t contacted me since our dinner Sunday night. It wouldn’t be unexpected.. just would break my heart.
3. I have deadlines coming up for things I haven’t started. Oops.
4. Gained weight. Terrified to weigh myself. I can estimate around 5lb from last time. I quit purging, so it’s showing when I don’t have intake control.
5. I picked up my caffeine habit again. Skinny iced lattes - all quads (4 shots of espresso).
6. My lifelong idiopathic insomnia.. acting up again; unrelated to caffeine. Even with medication. About 3 hours medicated sleep.
7. I can feel emotion again. It’s disturbing, distracting, and I don’t like this whole ‘vulnerable’ feeling.
Ugh, I’m an unenjoyable & illogical mess of a girl lately.