M.I.A.

Yeah, I know. I’ve been super M.I.A. lately. Most of it is attributed to searching for a job, and to be blunt a side effect of the depression I’m battling against. 

I went off of my SSRI again. I can’t do it anymore.

When I went to my doctor to let her know how slowly I’ve been tapering off.. she made it seem like the depression that I have been going through is lifelong. This made me REALLY upset because I went on SSRIs in the first place due to 1. Seasonal Affective Disorder 2. General Anxiety Disorder and 3. Social Anxiety.

From there, it seems as though the diagnosis has magically changed to Depression being the first and foremost.

When I talked to her a couple weeks ago, she basically put it like this:

'Well, you want to go off of your SSRI because you don't want to taper off when pregnant or be on them forever. Depression is a lifelong disease. Every time you have a 'depressive episode' you are that much farther from your happiness 'baseline' and can never get back to that, ever. Also, when people like you become pregnant.. we need you happy for the first couple months. You need to be on game. You're a high risk for Post Partum Depression and won't bond with your baby.'

……………………………. When did I ever become high-risk? Seriously? Has anybody else had a doctor give a misleading diagnosis like this?

THAT made me more depressed than I was, if anything. I’ve had depressive episodes but they were from ME TAPERING OFF OF THE SSRIs and from SEASONAL AFFECTIVE Dx.

Shit.

Anyone else?

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i’ve already accumulated thousands upon thousands in bills and debt

for college for my career.. I’ll graduate in 3 semesters..

and I’m sitting here stressed because I know I should be debating on being hospitalized.. this is getting too far out of hand…

and I’m knowing it’s just going to make me stay back even longer

more bills

more stress more disappointment

if I do.

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For you.

Honestly, I’ve never felt so blessed. It’s hard not to cry when admitting how much you’ve impacted me. Every small light has rekindled my spirit’s flame.

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excuse the utter despair of the following.

December:

'Oh wow - maybe I can prove mind over matter with my Seasonal Affective Disorder! Positivity!'

January:

*first snow*

-walk into house with makeup everywhere smeared while in hysterics crying and immediately curl up with mama as soon as I can move without just falling-

"Shaylin what happ-"

'I just.. it's.. goddammit freaking..'

… Fuck. This. I can’t even..

Hi can I please just not have snow guys? I’m 75% not me when it’s like this. The Seasonal Affective is starting to scare me.

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mind babble of how I am feeling. cannot verbalize otherwise.

From time to time my body succumbs to unyielding silence that falls over curves of my being. Stoic I become - contrast to eternally wandering fingertips and marionette of my smile. The lie cleverly within spaces between fabric & flesh. Winter, cold lover - your stamina drains my flesh & carnal self.

- circa 5 minutes ago, me, with drained light grey-blue fingertips

I hate Reynaud’s Syndrome. So fucking much.

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