M.I.A.

Yeah, I know. I’ve been super M.I.A. lately. Most of it is attributed to searching for a job, and to be blunt a side effect of the depression I’m battling against. 

I went off of my SSRI again. I can’t do it anymore.

When I went to my doctor to let her know how slowly I’ve been tapering off.. she made it seem like the depression that I have been going through is lifelong. This made me REALLY upset because I went on SSRIs in the first place due to 1. Seasonal Affective Disorder 2. General Anxiety Disorder and 3. Social Anxiety.

From there, it seems as though the diagnosis has magically changed to Depression being the first and foremost.

When I talked to her a couple weeks ago, she basically put it like this:

'Well, you want to go off of your SSRI because you don't want to taper off when pregnant or be on them forever. Depression is a lifelong disease. Every time you have a 'depressive episode' you are that much farther from your happiness 'baseline' and can never get back to that, ever. Also, when people like you become pregnant.. we need you happy for the first couple months. You need to be on game. You're a high risk for Post Partum Depression and won't bond with your baby.'

……………………………. When did I ever become high-risk? Seriously? Has anybody else had a doctor give a misleading diagnosis like this?

THAT made me more depressed than I was, if anything. I’ve had depressive episodes but they were from ME TAPERING OFF OF THE SSRIs and from SEASONAL AFFECTIVE Dx.

Shit.

Anyone else?

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i’ve already accumulated thousands upon thousands in bills and debt

for college for my career.. I’ll graduate in 3 semesters..

and I’m sitting here stressed because I know I should be debating on being hospitalized.. this is getting too far out of hand…

and I’m knowing it’s just going to make me stay back even longer

more bills

more stress more disappointment

if I do.

suicidesuicidaldepressiondepressedstudentcollegeednosseasonal affective disorderseasonal affectivedisorderdisordersssri

I need to cheer up.

1. now completely tapered off my SSRI (Celexa; mild antidepressant - mostly an antianxiety medication in low-dose for those who can’t stand feeling ‘drugged’… well, lmfao, legally?)

2. I have a feeling that Dad will not see me before he leaves.  He hasn’t contacted me since our dinner Sunday night.  It wouldn’t be unexpected.. just would break my heart.

3. I have deadlines coming up for things I haven’t started. Oops.

4. Gained weight. Terrified to weigh myself.  I can estimate around 5lb from last time.  I quit purging, so it’s showing when I don’t have intake control.

5. I picked up my caffeine habit again.  Skinny iced lattes - all quads (4 shots of espresso). 

6. My lifelong idiopathic insomnia.. acting up again; unrelated to caffeine.  Even with medication.  About 3 hours medicated sleep.

7. I can feel emotion again.  It’s disturbing, distracting, and I don’t like this whole ‘vulnerable’ feeling. 

Ugh, I’m an unenjoyable & illogical mess of a girl lately.

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OMFG WTF

OKAYSO 6 YEARS AGO MY DAD RELAPSED FROM HEROIN, LEFT THE STATE WITH 2 OF MY SIBLINGS AND HIS WIFE. WE BARELY TALKED SINCE HE WAS TOO FAR INTO DRUGS AND WAS M.I.A. BUT NOW HE JUST CALLED AND IS BACK IN STATE FOR A FEW DAYS (alone). HE WANTS TO SEE ME.  HOLYYYYYY SHIT.  I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM IN 6 YEARS.

WWWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT?!?!!

TOTALLY THE WORST TIME TO BE HAVING DISCONTINUANCE SYMPTOMS FROM TAPERING OFF CELEXA (MY SSRI ANTIDEPRESSANT/ANTIANXIETY FOR MY S.A. DISORDER AND SOCIAL ANXIETY).

YO. YO. I’M SO FUCKING NERVOUS.

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