i’ve already accumulated thousands upon thousands in bills and debt

for college for my career.. I’ll graduate in 3 semesters..

and I’m sitting here stressed because I know I should be debating on being hospitalized.. this is getting too far out of hand…

and I’m knowing it’s just going to make me stay back even longer

more bills

more stress more disappointment

if I do.

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For you.

Honestly, I’ve never felt so blessed. It’s hard not to cry when admitting how much you’ve impacted me. Every small light has rekindled my spirit’s flame.

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I’ve really felt such relief from you guys. You know who you are. The messages and just .. relations and understanding has meant the planet to me.

Yesterday I expected to go into inpatient or the hospital from Cory’s reaction. Relieved he didn’t. I told my fiance that ‘Ive reached out for support but it’s temporary or nonexistent even when I fall into honesty and admit that suicide has been on my mind for a long time now. I’ll even tell you that the little things push me one step closer and you’ll just either get upset and immature or will fall back into it within minutes. I’ll tell you what I need and you don’t care enough to make a MINOR effort. If I wasn’t so logical, I’d be gone a long time ago.’

He’s freaked but I’m not sure if he will remember it during life moments.

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psych ward

holidays are a tough time of year for many. my family holds no exception.

now instead of just my grandfather seemingly giving up after EVERYTHING he’s fought through… and the anniversary of my uncle’s new years suicide (many years ago, hung by chimney).. this year as of yesterday my cousin (who is very similar to my uncle’s personality) attempted suicide again. did not dare to ask my aunt for the details (she is the daughter of my grandfather, sister of my uncle, and mother of the previously mentioned 17 year old cousin).

i’m spending christmas day in the psych ward visiting my cousin. he’s always been seemingly tormented beyond his years. he’s the cousin that i have always connected with the most. we’re both the ones who stand in the room who always feel like we’re scanning the room - target in sight and stalked - gun half cocked with finger firmly upon the trigger.

except instead of hunting for prey to submit to a subtle destruction, he aims elsewhere.

the crosshairs of his rifle are always upon himself.

and he’s never meeting the trigger. he’s always allowing the muscle twitch to push the trigger and he’s never used a safety release.

we’re of the same. i find that i’m just always hunting targets. and just purely for the sport of it - maiming only. the sad part is he’s always hunting for his life. the only problem that occurs is that he always hunts himself.

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